Today marks one month since my divorce.
I am 54 years old, have two children, and was married for 22 years (including over two years of pre-divorce separation). Since my husband and I separated, in February 2017, my thoughts have often turned to how I plan to live my life as a single woman.
When you're recently separated (or newly divorced, as I now am), it is not uncommon to have people express their kind wishes that you will someday meet that special someone to fall in love with. Even my lawyer, who usually refrains from personal talk, told me at our final court appearance that I was now free to find the right person to marry.
And I do find myself, from time to time, wondering if I ever will find the right person. But more often I find myself wondering if I will ever want to find the right person.
I am a person who loves solitude. I love people, as well, but alone time is one of the greatest joys of my life. When reflecting on my life as a mother, I've always said that giving up my solitude was the greatest struggle. And when my husband and I separated, even though I was not completely alone (I live with my teenage daughter), I relished the large amount of time I finally had to myself.
And so I made peace with the right person question. I decided that I was open to finding the right person, but that I would not go looking for him, and he would have to be pretty amazing because I would have to notice him and fall for him even as my mind was focussed on all the other things I want for my life.
This seemed like the right direction. Not looking for love, but not opposed to love. It sounded reasonable and open-minded.
Yesterday, however, I decided to head in a different direction. Not completely different, but different enough to excite me with a whole new world of possibilities. Yesterday, as I was walking home from a lecture at the Chautauqua Institution, I had a sudden blast of inspiration.
The lecture was given by Eric Klinenberg, about his most recent book Palaces of the People. But it was the title of his previous book, mentioned in his introduction, that got me thinking.
That book is titled Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone. The title spoke to me. It recast the idea of the relationship so perfectly. Going Solo does not mean avoiding love. It is simply about living alone. And I want to live alone. I don't need to give up on love, or men, or romance just because I value my solitude. And I can use my preference to live alone as a foundation for building the life I want to live.
One of the things I most enjoy about living alone is that I don't have to compromise. I can live the life I want, I can do exactly what I want, whenever I want. This is not incompatible with romance. But it's pretty much incompatible with living with someone else.
In addition to reconciling my perceived conflict between solitude and love, the idea of Going Solo seems like a powerful foundation for a life well lived. If I actively choose Going Solo, I can use the certainty that comes with answering only to myself to build the life I want to live. I can create a plan to engage with the friends and activities that meet my vision of a perfect life.
And that brings me here, to this day, to this blog.
I have decided to use this blog to explore the meaning of Going Solo, the opportunities and possibilities that Going Solo brings, and the issues and challenges that arise in a life committed to Going Solo.
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| Me on the morning of my divorce |
When you're recently separated (or newly divorced, as I now am), it is not uncommon to have people express their kind wishes that you will someday meet that special someone to fall in love with. Even my lawyer, who usually refrains from personal talk, told me at our final court appearance that I was now free to find the right person to marry.
And I do find myself, from time to time, wondering if I ever will find the right person. But more often I find myself wondering if I will ever want to find the right person.
I am a person who loves solitude. I love people, as well, but alone time is one of the greatest joys of my life. When reflecting on my life as a mother, I've always said that giving up my solitude was the greatest struggle. And when my husband and I separated, even though I was not completely alone (I live with my teenage daughter), I relished the large amount of time I finally had to myself.
And so I made peace with the right person question. I decided that I was open to finding the right person, but that I would not go looking for him, and he would have to be pretty amazing because I would have to notice him and fall for him even as my mind was focussed on all the other things I want for my life.
This seemed like the right direction. Not looking for love, but not opposed to love. It sounded reasonable and open-minded.
Yesterday, however, I decided to head in a different direction. Not completely different, but different enough to excite me with a whole new world of possibilities. Yesterday, as I was walking home from a lecture at the Chautauqua Institution, I had a sudden blast of inspiration.
The lecture was given by Eric Klinenberg, about his most recent book Palaces of the People. But it was the title of his previous book, mentioned in his introduction, that got me thinking.
That book is titled Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone. The title spoke to me. It recast the idea of the relationship so perfectly. Going Solo does not mean avoiding love. It is simply about living alone. And I want to live alone. I don't need to give up on love, or men, or romance just because I value my solitude. And I can use my preference to live alone as a foundation for building the life I want to live.
One of the things I most enjoy about living alone is that I don't have to compromise. I can live the life I want, I can do exactly what I want, whenever I want. This is not incompatible with romance. But it's pretty much incompatible with living with someone else.
In addition to reconciling my perceived conflict between solitude and love, the idea of Going Solo seems like a powerful foundation for a life well lived. If I actively choose Going Solo, I can use the certainty that comes with answering only to myself to build the life I want to live. I can create a plan to engage with the friends and activities that meet my vision of a perfect life.
And that brings me here, to this day, to this blog.
I have decided to use this blog to explore the meaning of Going Solo, the opportunities and possibilities that Going Solo brings, and the issues and challenges that arise in a life committed to Going Solo.
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